Tuesday, February 13, 2007


Have you ever imagined how it would feel to be in the middle of the ocean on a boat that was sinking. You see nothing as far as you look and know that swimming is not an option. The water starts to seap in and tickles around your ankles. Then it seems to pour in faster, quickly rising to your waist. Then the heaviness pushes on your chest and it gets harder to breathe. It gets up to your shoulders now and almost feels like it is pushing down on you, testing to see how strong you are. Then the choking feeling as it wraps around your neck. Then up to your mouth and nose. You have to work for every breath keeping only the tip of your nose out. And finally just the straw you grabbed as your last survival thought went through your head. As you breath the tiny breaths of strained air you know that that too will only help you a moment longer. Defeated.

That is how I am feeling. I just simply can't get ahead. I pour my heart into one area of my life, and the others suffer. There are the big things like relationships and family. And the small, like obligations and daily commitments. But together it feels like a big huge spider web that has me sucked in.

I wish I felt like there was one thing I excelled at instead of doing everything just Okay - Enough to keep my head above water. But I feel like that water is rising in slow motion. I'm not fully submerged but it is coming in inch by inch.

I know I can figure it out. I know how to swim, I know how to breathe. I just need to find the plug to pull, to let some of the water out. Where is that plug...

*no comments. I'm not looking for warm fuzzies. I'm expressing.