Monday, August 07, 2006

Guilty Skeletons

I am not sure which is worse, being ashamed about the way you feel about someone in your family or the way that person in your family acts. This weekend was my shower. It was wonderful. It was nice and small and made me excited all over to be a Mama to a new baby girl. Except there is always something looming over head. The way someone in my family will act.
First, no one has talked to this person in 3 days, meaning she isn't and hasn't been sober. So, will she even show up.
Next, once she walks through the door, the drama starts. Oh, the drama. I am not sure my family would know what to do without the drama.
Then the inappropriate, attention getting comments, stories that never end.

I know I used to be an extrovert. A definite extrovert, but over the past 5 years I have changed a lot. I have become comfortable with who I am and I don't feel like I need to start every conversation or always have the focus on me. In fact, I like to listen a lot. I don't like to always talk about me. I am a person though and like all people, I like to have relationships of all sorts. The problem is a relationship no matter who it's with is always about give and take. I have given and given, and dropped things that were happening in my own family to try to help out and now, I AM TIRED. I have given for too long and really have never received anything in return except anxiety. As awful as that sounds it is reality and sometimes reality bites!
At my shower, conversations were interrupted so this person could tell me about the new man in her life. Except, I have been hearing about this man for the past month she has been dating him, she just doesn't remember. I heard about other family issues that were discussed on the phone just three days before which only led me to believe that she was drunk during the phone conversation too. All of which was made the focus of my shower. Embarrassing and Exhausting!
I wish I knew the next steps to take but I don't. At this point I just feel like I am tired of it all. I don't have a perfect life, but I am usually pretty happy and optimistic about the way my life is going. But, I too have challenges. I have a perfectly naughty 2.5 year old who most days requires every bit of my patience. I have a husband who I am very lucky to have but like most of you know, making a marriage work takes a lot of effort too. And I happen to want to be married forever. I have a new baby on the way that I know is going to overwhelm me, but I am trying to mentally prepare. And I have friends, really good friends that I want to be there for just like they are for me. I don't have the time or energy to take on additional drama that only brings me down. I am tired of the lies, tired of the excuses, and tired of the selfishness.

So what is next? I am not ready to cut this person out of my life, but I can't take the drama anymore. Even if she is my sister.


Christy J said...

Hmmm. I'm glad you had a wonderful shower, and I wish I could've been there! :o)
I don't know all the details of what is going on... but I think in general, you have to look out for your family and their well-being. If you are stressed and pissed, it sin't good for you, lil baby G, Mason, or Mike. I think you have to keep a safe distance, and treat it like a grinade (sp). Handle VERY carefully and try not to get to close.
I dunno... when my bro was going through stuff, (it was a bit different-ex-wife crap) I put myself in the middle to prtect him. But it was protecting him for someone, not himself.

Be happy. Take take of you, Mike, Mason, and G.

MTC said...
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BlueGoddess said...

I do know exactly how you feel. If you remember you wrote a comment once on my site and our family members are quite a bit alike. I just started going to Al Anon and it is helping a little. But unfortunately healing and recovery is a very slow process. But once you start it, you will feel a sense of relief. Some of the pressure will be off just because you will have others that have gone through similar times.

I don't know if you should or should not continue a relationship with her. But tread lightly. You have a lot going on in your own little family. Take care of yourself and them first. She is a grown up and will have to figure it out for herself sometime. You can't control what she does. Only how you act and react to any situation.

And I know it is corny but:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

And I am really happy that you had a shower. Maybe you can focus on the wonderful things you got for the new baby. Let us know what you and the baby received. And remember that your little family and friends that are doing well are here for you and care a lot about you. Not just themselves.

And if you want to email me we could share some insights or stories. I could also use a sounding board sometimes.

lizziep901 said...

I have a friend like that. She drinks a lot and is loud and all conversations are about HER. She's been to rehab. Didn't help. She goes to AA and then heads to the bar after her meeting. Sister....there is nothing you can do. It's exhausting....I know. But SHE has to be the one to change. You just have to be there for her when (and if) she decides to. Much love. Focus on you and Mason and Pedro and Baby Girl.

Ms. Mamma said...

(((((A)))))) That's a hug for you. I know how hard it is. You have to 'do' what feels right for you and your family.

Silly Hily said...

Oh Annie, my heart broke when that last sentence revealed it was your sister. I figured it was maybe a cousin and I was going to tell you to just keep you distance but having a sister myself, I know that would be damn near impossible.
It would be so much easier if it was a friend. You could slowly back away. I know I have had to do that with a friend. I could NOT handle the drama for all the reasons you mentioned. I have my own life, my own family, my own problems, and I can't handle someone else constantly laying theirs on me as well. I wish I could, but I can't.
Family though, flesh and blood, is much more difficult to shut out of your life. Especially a sister. I wish I had some advice or some answers for you but I don't. I don't know what I would do other than be completely torn like you are. And I know my heart would hurt like yours is and I'm so sorry it is. You can be there for her all you want but until she is ready to change and get help, it won't matter.
Honestly, the only thing I would know to do would be to pray. So I will do that for you. I will keep your sister in my prayers.

searching said...

I feel for you and your situation.
I have three older sisters. I can relate on a parallel level – one of my sisters is extremely negative and angry. Her mood would set the tone for the entire day for everyone. She dominated conversations by either complaining about her children (in front of them) or criticized the food, weather, people’s clothing, etc. The rest of my family decided we had to stop giving her control. We started to slowly leave the room when she started on a tangent. Complainers and the sort like audiences, so we stopped being one for her.
I think sister relationships are the hardest to maintain. I wish they wouldn’t call it the family dynamic. Because it doesn’t feel very “dynamic” to me a lot of time.

Good luck & I hope you find a balance that works for you and your family.

AnnieM said...

Thank you all for the encouraging words. It is nice to know that other people struggle with the same issues. It is so true about everyone in the family having a particular "role" they play, but those roles start to get tiresome and draining. I still can't say I know how I am going to handle the situation, maybe I will just be able to handle more agin once I don't have pregnant hormones raging through my body. But for now, I think I really do need to keep my distance. . .So I don't flip out and say something I may regret down the road. Thanks Again you guys!

tri_hard said...

i think that is a good plan that you have to distance yourself for now. you are right, you need to take care of yourself and your family first. Hang in there!

BlueGoddess said...

Hello again.

I have recently found an online support forum that is so readily accessible that I thought you might like to check it out. I have only been using it for 3 days and I feel so much better. So I hope that it might work for you.

Much love and hugs ((((AnnieM))))

Blessed Be.

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