I wish I could say my mother's day was a happy one, and there were happy moments, but the day weighed heavy on me. I wish I could write that my mom and I spent the day together having lunch and manicures, talking and laughing until we cried. The truth is that I didn't even see her. The lady she's been lately is not the mom I know. The lady today is cursed with addiction so thick she can't see her way out. She forgets, she glares and rarely calls. She is not the mom I had growing up. The mom I had growing up was loving and energetic and wouldn't miss any activity I was in for the world. She was always there.
Today, as much as I wished is was like it was before addiction, it's not. It is so different I can't even begin to explain. Thankfully though I have memories. And the memories I have are great. Nearly perfect. I remember tiny little things that were so special. I remember taking afternoon naps on my parents bed. I remember my mom laying with me jiggling her foot just enough to rock the bed and lull me to sleep. I remember the notes in my lunch box and the Mickey Mouse pancakes. The tiniest things that left an incredible mark.
I look at my kids that I love more than anything and wonder and worry about the marks I'll leave with them. I do things I hope they never remember and also things hopefully never forget. But mostly, I hope they know that I'll always be there for them. Tonight after a long, emotional day I nursed Harper to sleep and tucked Mason in one last time. I told him how much I loved him and how I hoped we had a better day tomorrow, all while his little boy hand sweetly rubbed my cheek; a perfect end to the day.
As much as I wish my day could have been filled with all things bright and cheery. It wasn't . It was however a perfect recap of what being a mama is all about. There was dancing and crying and pouting and smiling. Nursing and rocking and snuggling and soothing. And at the end of the day, I wouldn't change it for the world. Taking the bad with the good; It's what being a Mama is all about.