Sunday, May 11, 2008

Mother's Day.

I wish I could say my mother's day was a happy one, and there were happy moments, but the day weighed heavy on me. I wish I could write that my mom and I spent the day together having lunch and manicures, talking and laughing until we cried. The truth is that I didn't even see her. The lady she's been lately is not the mom I know. The lady today is cursed with addiction so thick she can't see her way out. She forgets, she glares and rarely calls. She is not the mom I had growing up. The mom I had growing up was loving and energetic and wouldn't miss any activity I was in for the world. She was always there.

Today, as much as I wished is was like it was before addiction, it's not. It is so different I can't even begin to explain. Thankfully though I have memories. And the memories I have are great. Nearly perfect. I remember tiny little things that were so special. I remember taking afternoon naps on my parents bed. I remember my mom laying with me jiggling her foot just enough to rock the bed and lull me to sleep. I remember the notes in my lunch box and the Mickey Mouse pancakes. The tiniest things that left an incredible mark.

I look at my kids that I love more than anything and wonder and worry about the marks I'll leave with them. I do things I hope they never remember and also things hopefully never forget. But mostly, I hope they know that I'll always be there for them. Tonight after a long, emotional day I nursed Harper to sleep and tucked Mason in one last time. I told him how much I loved him and how I hoped we had a better day tomorrow, all while his little boy hand sweetly rubbed my cheek; a perfect end to the day.

As much as I wish my day could have been filled with all things bright and cheery. It wasn't . It was however a perfect recap of what being a mama is all about. There was dancing and crying and pouting and smiling. Nursing and rocking and snuggling and soothing. And at the end of the day, I wouldn't change it for the world. Taking the bad with the good; It's what being a Mama is all about.

9 comments:

Kelly said...

Great post. You are honest, wise, and a wonderful mom!

TriHard said...

happy mothers day. your post really shows how much you love your kids as well as shows the kind, compassionate mom you are.

MP said...

That was SO beautiful...
I'm sorry your mommy isn't what she used to be.
Addiction SUCKS

Rachel said...

I'm sorry that your Mother's Day wasn't what you hoped. You deserve it.

What a sweet post. It proves what a great mom you are.

GreenStyleMom said...

Great post!

Ashley said...

You know you can email me or call me absolutely anytime.....

Lots of Hugs,
Ashley

Lisa said...

Beautiful post. And I thought I was the only one with an absent mom.

Shoeaddict said...

I'm sorry that your mom is absent from your life. Addiction is a terrible, scarey thing. I've been through it in my family and I know how awful it is.

I hope you and your mother find peace.

somebody said...

酒店經紀人,菲梵酒店經紀,酒店經紀,禮服酒店上班,酒店小姐,便服酒店經紀,酒店打工,酒店寒假打工,酒店經紀,酒店經紀,專業酒店經紀,合法酒店經紀,酒店暑假打工,酒店兼職,便服酒店工作,酒店打工經紀,制服酒店經紀,專業酒店經紀,合法酒店經紀,酒店暑假打工,酒店兼職,便服酒店工作,酒店打工,酒店經紀,制服酒店經紀,酒店經紀
,