Take two. I wrote this big long post this morning and had it all spell-checked and everything. When I clicked publish it went to a 'unavailable at this time' page. Once I clicked the back arrow, Poof it was gone into internet never,neverland! So this is my second attempt.
Since I've decided to let Mason continue to nurse throughout the pregnancy, it has not been all pleasant. In fact, I've found myself irritated pretty often.
Around 4 months pregnant, the pain started. I mean pain, like the kind that makes you scrunch your face up and curl your toes, pain. But I pushed through to the next stage. The absence of milk stage. This stage lasted for about 2 months. I am sure Mason was getting almost nothing, I couldn't even squeeze a drop out. The hardest part about this stage is the extreme sucking that went along with the milk shortage. Mason would suck so hard trying to get milk out that I was sure when he finally let loose my nipple would be a freakish 5 inch nipple. Thank god they resume their natural state after a few minutes! Then there was the night Mason commented that it "tastes yucky!" I thought this may have been the end only to have ask for it the next day.
Now my supply has come back, but I have found myself so not "into" nursing. Why have I decided not to wean? A few reasons, but mainly because Mason will not take a nap without nursing. Bedtime Mike can do, but naptime is non-existent without me nursing him. And when I do, it takes around 5 minutes of nursing to have him out-cold for 3 hours. Seems simple enough to me, and I know I'll be needing those three blissful hours a whole lot once Baby Sister comes.
Every once in a while something amazing comes out of Masons mouth that confirms the decision I've made to continue. A few weeks ago after a bedtime nursing he said in the sweetest voice, "mmmm, tastes good." Then off to sleep he went. This may sound weird to someone who hasn't nursed, but it is an amazing feeling to know that you are doing something so simple and natural and being appreciated for doing it. It is a hard thing to explain. Monday night was one of those nights that my heart just wasn't into it. I had let Mason nurse for about three minutes then told him we were all done. As I layed him into his crib, he said "Thank You Mama." It made my heart hurt. I felt awful and amazing all at once. "How could I be rushing something that is still so important to my son?" And "How awesome that I've let him decide when he wants to end our nursing relationship." It was very bittersweet and I wish I could put it into words better.
So there you have it. For now, I am putting aside my pregnancy hormones for my little nursing toddler. I still think that when he is done he'll be sure to let me know. For now I am willing to give him what is still very important to him, he doesn't ask for much.