Sunday, December 31, 2006

What a difference a year makes.

Every once in a while I get these huge reality doses that strike me so hard in the chest it's a wonder I am still breathing. This one happened exactly one year ago. It was one irresponsible night. A night my husband and I acted like carefree teenagers. The night that Harper was conceived.

It is so clear for some reason and I am not sure why. I knew the timing was right on schedule and I worried immediately. Then I blocked it out, for 7 weeks. My friend even called about a week after "the night" to tell me she had had a dream that I was pregnant. I told her "she was on crack" verbatim. In only six weeks I would find out that I was indeed pregnant. I would cry when I got the results because I was not ready to have a baby again. I am ashamed to admit that.

The nine months where filled with emotions and so much fear. How could I possibly split all the love I have for Mason with another baby. I've been told everyone experiences those exact feelings. And everyone tells you "you just do. You find a way and you just do." And they are right, sort of. I've never had to split it. I feel like a am able to give more love now. As if once my baby was born, I filled up with love ready to give instead.

So now one year later I look at my most perfect baby girl and wonder how I could have ever been unsure about having another baby. She is sweet and smiley and easy going, the perfect addition to our family. So now looking back exactly one year all I can think is, "Thank God for our one crazy, irresponsible night."

8 comments:

Pedro said...

Here's to irresponsibility!

Anonymous said...

I could have written that same post - me and James also conceived on New Years Eve! We were definantly done having babies, but now I couldn't imagine living without Jackson. I second irresponsibilty!!

amygeekgrl said...

it's amazing how your capacity to love really does grow as you add another child to your family. i, too, struggled with the idea of "how in the world am i going to be able to love another baby as much as i love ava?" but it just happens. :)
happy new year!

tri_hard said...

that will make a good story to Harper some day. Glad that your irresponsiblity turned into such a perfect gift. Happy New Year to your and your family!

Christy J said...

You guys crack me up!!! I had to wean Hayden when I got pregnant. I often said that I wish I weren't pregnant. It is horrible to say, but I felt like I took so much away from him. Once we got past him not nursing, everything was fine. He was more 'ok' with it than I was. He couldn't care less, I cried for months. I can't imgaine not having Fin now. I feel like a horrible person for every saying anything negative about being pregnant. So I'm with ya....

I hope you had a Happy New Year!!! We hung out at my parents and I drank wayyyyyyyyy to much wine. :o)

That Chick Over There said...

I've always wondered why people think you have to divide up the love. I'm the mother of twins, so people are always saying that to me. I tell them, you don't divide it, you multiply it!

Anonymous said...

When I found out I was pregnant with Alyssa, when the stick had two pink lines, I fell on the floor in tears immediately! I felt the same way you did. I was not ready AT ALL. But now, I can't imagine not having her. It's amazing how you can love your kids soooo much.

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